Today I finally realized that I’m going to need way more help than what I think to get me through this. I’ve been attending one on one therapy, but for the first time, I’ve gotten on the internet and I’m searching for support groups in my area. I need to connect with others to know I’m not alone.
One thing I’ve been struggling with, is that Free took his life, why, and how . Yes, I’m aware that he was mentally unstable, and he had just gotten released from the Psych ward the day before, and he still showed significant signs of being unhealthy mentally and physically. Yes, I did reach out for help for him the night he was released from the hospital, because he showed significant signs of not being well, and I was turned away by the doctor.
Little signs were there, but I could never imagine that he would end his life.
I’ve told myself, I do not want to be a victim, or play the role of a victim in this situation, but I have this shame, guilt, and tremendous pain inside of me, feeling that I failed the man that I love.
I couldn’t save him.
I am now the woman whose partner committed suicide. My son is the boy whose father committed suicide. I don’t want my child nor do I want it myself, that label to wear. I don’t know if it’s selfish to feel or think this way, but I have these feelings.
Trying to understand why, I know I may never get the answers as to why. But, I may be able to get the coping skills so I don’t get drowned by the constant thoughts that flood my mind as I try to reason, and shuffle through the what ifs, and analyzing this and that, gasping to take a deep breath while feeling the heart ache, trying to understand why, why, why!