It is shocking how, I might be thinking, I’m making some progress. I’m not crying every second, I can get up and get dressed without movement hurting. I can even meet a friend for coffee and short walk. Then one day a reminder, something shows up, something like a Facebook reminder, and it tells you what happened on this day a year ago. Ahhh it’s a conspiracy, but there is something therapeutic about it. I stroll through the timeline and there I see a year from now, a video of us together your handsome face shining bright, eyes wide open filled with love, making our son laugh with joy.
All of a sudden this new category 100,000 storm comes ripping through my insides. A sadness that is brand new to my intellect invites itself in. The darkness of the storm is so thick I lose all sight of things. The sadness so heavy and strong feels like tons of weights compressing down on my chest, its hard for me to breathe let alone move. While all along everything looks perfectly clear and sunny on the outside and no one ever knows that there is a raging wild storm abolishing me within.
Your dad sent me a NPR link a couple weeks ago; Patton Oswalt Explains How Pop Culture Gets Grieving All Wrong . This sentence stood out, “You know, you can say you’re through with grief all you want, but grief will let you know when it’s done”. This sentence is filled with so much knowledge and truth.
What I’ve discovered is that grief comes with mercy, and mercy is found on those days when I’m able to get through the day without crying continuously, those moments when I can meet a friend for coffee, moments to take care of our son, and show him love and make him laugh, mercy is even found in my ability to write letters to you, finding the words to convey what I’m feeling and thinking, giving me the courage to share.
There is no way one could take on all the mysterious and various levels of pain all at once that grief delivers.
Society’s need for instant gratification can really discombobulate one’s spiritual, mental, and emotional intelligence when it comes to grieving. There is no quick way to heal. There may be various survival tools that may work for some and not for others when it comes to experiencing grief’s journey, but each experience is divinely unique with no specified set rules and timeline.
I realized the other day that it’s one of the most beautiful and heart aching things I’ve ever known. I wonder what you’re up to on the other side, I hope your making music, dancing, and making others laugh, and feeling pure joy.
Missing you and loving you deeply.
Marie (Bright Light Warrior Nika)