conversations with you

Since loosing you and having to deal with people on different level than I had to when you where here. I’ve come to realize how judgmental people can be, including myself. I’ve also realize that a lot of people (those that consider themselves close to you) have no clue who I am as woman, mother, lover, friend, and human I am. They have conjured up all kinds of ideas in their minds and ran wild with them.

Now at first I found myself to be somewhat hurt, but then I realized that I have no control over their thoughts and if they haven’t taken the time to get to know me and understand who I am as a unique individual, and not stereotyping me based on the brain washing they have received from the diluted media of what a black woman is, that is their problem.

On a lighter note, on father’s day I went out by the bridge where your life ended and our bear and I put flowers in the water. It was very calming and therapeutic for me. I had lots of anxiety that day, and I wanted to celebrate how great of a father you were to our bear. You loved him with all your heart and our lil bear still loves his dada! I wish I would have told you more often what a great dad you were.

This week I spoke with a guy who lives with the condition you were living with, and he was able to give me some insight into what you were probably dealing with. As he described some of his struggles and having had electro-therapy shocks on numerous accounts years ago, and now dealing with trauma that his brain has went through, I realize on a deeper level your struggle was a true battle no one should ever have to go through. Even though I would love for  you to be here with us, I’m grateful you are no longer in that type of pain, if it is true that their is life after death and your pains are left behind.


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